Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
