i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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