Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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