I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
