it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
