A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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