you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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