My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
