I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
