Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
