I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
