I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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