There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wear drunk well.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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