if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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