Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
