I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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