Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
