My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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