i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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