I never want to see another naked old woman again.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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