I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
