i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
