Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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