Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
