That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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