A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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