Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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