At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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