You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he fucked my hip out of place.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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