Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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