textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
