My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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