my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
third nipple confirmed
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The power of my boobs compel you
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
