When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
