I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
