she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
