Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
