If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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