um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
