So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
