Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
