She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My orgasm happened in two different decades
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
