Old men and throwing up are my life now.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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