god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
