3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
look no pants
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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