My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
where are my eyebrows?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize