Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Four minutes until I can fart!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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