The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
