I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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