____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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