i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
