How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
