Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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