You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
