You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
