she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my shit smells like andre
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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