My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
