dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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